real talks: the slip
Trigger Warning: this post talks of depression and binge eating disorder. I'm not even sure I'm ready to publish it.
I just went through an extremely therapeutic process. I cleaned my apartment. And it may seem like a horrible chore for some (and it usually is for me) but this time is different.
For weeks, maybe even months, I've heard this tiny, scared voice in the back of my head: you're slipping. Slipping back into old habits of your eating disorder. Slipping back into routines of depression. Slipping back into wanting to hide from the world in a pile of blankets and pillows. And recently it has been taking all of my energy to get up, make it to over half of my classes (in fact, this semester, I haven't made a week without missing something), get to work and put on a smile for the public. Hence the bomb status of the apartment. Hence the fruit flies, which are already bad all around this season, having become an official new roommate. I'm not kidding, as I wrote that, like three flew in front of my face. They are trying to cuddle up to me. It's pissing me off.
And I have broke down and sprayed so much Raid poison in my apartment I wont be surprised if I suffer from some form of poisoning.
Detour aside, things have been difficult recently. And I have no idea as to why. Zip, zero, zilch. I just slipped. It happens. I cannot blame myself (I do, but then I correct myself). I cannot blame others. And that might be the most difficult part of it all. There's no one or nothing to blame, it just happens. I just have to dig deep into the tools I know to manage it and make it through to the other side of a slump.
Thank god I have great support. I'd go insane without a little understanding.
But tonight I said enough. Enough with the slump. I have to get my ass in gear and get back on track. Run, do my homework, feel energized. And it all has to start with a clean apartment. So I rolled up the sleeves I wasn't wearing and got to the messy work. And even though I have class at 10:30am tomorrow, I am finally feeling good and I am so excited to see where this new energy takes me.
And that also means getting back on track with all things in a sequoia. Get back on the timeline to open The Boutique on the 16th (that's in a week people) and posting regularly. Any good suggestions for a new #locallove post?